wired for desire.

There are very few things that I can recall wanting, needing, craving to the point of losing my mind over the battle of not having it. I have one pretty colorful memory, I might have been somewhere around eight or nine and Christmas was just around the corner. I remember sitting on the floor thumbing through a Sears catalog completely lost in a world of things I knew I’d never have. Until an image caught my eyes, a glossy black remote controlled airplane. It was the kind that landed in water and had a wingspan the length of widespread arms. It was more delightful than anything I’d laid eyes upon up until that moment, it was the moment that I knew I needed it to be happy, the moment I knew I would never be complete until I had it as my own, the moment (that I didn’t realize until many years later) where I was willing to give up anything to fulfill the uncontrollable aching desire in my being. The sad part of the story is, I never got that airplane. I had ripped the page out of the catalog and treasured it and hoped and prayed for the real thing to be under the tree at Christmas, but it never came. I hardly remember why I didn’t get it, but I’m sure it was insanely expensive and with three sisters I should have known my parents could never afford such a frivolous toy. But, despite the little voice inside that told me I’d never posses it, I still found myself brokenhearted and even a little bitter. But I was simply a child, I lacked wisdom and knowledge, I had yet to discover the ways of fulfillment in self sacrifice. And as I replay the memory now it seems silly, trivial, childish. It was just a kids toy. I’m even chuckling a bit as I write it because it’s so ridiculous how consuming that desire was for me. But, as silly as it sounds, I still do that, you do that, everyday we all do that. We crave, we desire, we NEED to the edge of giving up other things to have whatever it may be. Even if we don’t realize it. I remember praying, fervently, for that toy to be mine, just as much as I can recall praying heavily for so many other things I thought I so desperately needed, just to be answered by a closed door. There are things now that I pray for, things I feel would be better if they were one way or another, things I have to lay in Jesus’ pierced hands at every passing moment of Every. Single. Day. Things I have to allow Him to lead in, because I know His ways are far greater than mine. We all struggle with the natural desire to fulfill the cravings of our flesh. It is ingrained inside, it’s wired in us, it is the sin nature which abides in every one of us. But it can be overcome by the power of the Holy Spirit, by the blood of Christ, by the cutting away of all fleshly things and putting on the whole armor of Christ. If Paul could do it so can you, so can I, so can any of us. I encourage you to keep praying for those things you desire, the things you feel would change things for the better, but continue to do so with the mind that His will WILL be done and that it will be far better than anything else, regardless.

-written July 17, 2011