It’s been such a long time since I’ve written my thoughts that I’d be lying if I said it was an easy task. My mind is as cram packed as a tin can full of sardines, one on top of the other until there’s room for nothing more. And the worst part is that I misplaced the can opener. If only I could put it all into a screenplay for you, to open the theatrical doors of my mind into a world of Memoria. A place abounding with love and chaos, chipped away by brokenness and patched with grace. It would be quite the show. I’d recommend kettle corn and kleenex.
It’s coming again. Taunting and teasing, while questioning, testing. Change. The thing we crave and the thing we fear. It’s inevitable, It’s part of life, and, I’m learning to embrace it, not run from it. So I sit here, in the chapel, as words and phrases cyclone through my mind but all I can do is stare out at the three crosses, and think, “what’s next?” I am filled with anxiety, but at the same time, downcast in my soul. My heart is a combination of oil and water, I shake and stir but it won’t mix together. I’m not even really sure why I keep trying to force it, it’ll never work, one into the other. They aren’t meant to combine. Like flesh and spirit. Yet we do everything in our power, at least I do, to make it work together, to force it to create something that we think might be better than the original plan. God’s plan. The thing we fight, the thing we fear, the thing we run from and hide from, the very thing that consumes and ignites and burns the flesh away from our spirit. The only thing that we need, the only thing worth living for, Christ.
Romans 8:2-6 For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has made me free from the law of sin and death. For what the law could not do in that it was weak through the flesh, God did by sending His own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh, on account of sin: He condemned sin in the flesh, that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us who do not walk according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit, the things of the Spirit. For to be carnally minded is death, but to be spiritually minded is life and peace.
I fell in love about a month ago. Completely, head-over-heels, in love with Mexico. It came after a deep emotional quest to find my “home”. But I finally did, I found it. First in Christ, and then here, en Mexico. It rooted in my core one afternoon as we drove into town. I’m not sure if it was the candidness, the irresistible language, or the mercado de pescado and the salty sweet smell of the ocean that caught hold of my heartstrings and pulled until it hurt, but I think it was a combination of all those things, and more (tanto mas). I felt, in that moment, that I was exactly where I needed, where I wanted, to be and joy enraptured me for the first time since we’d moved here. I am pretty sure I wore a permanent smile for the remainder of that day.
But, with all that being said, I feel it circling again. Like smoke rings at my feet, dancing at my ankles, waiting for the perfect moment to consume the day and everything in it. The scent will be new, unfamiliar, and my eyes will have to regain focus in the hazy clouds. But I’ll walk by faith anyway, looking to the cross where the air is always clear. My heart will be spread out again, in a few short weeks, as my Tres Cruces familia parts ways for real this time. As my sister, cooking buddy, full of life Sarah packs her belongings and heads North to do amazing things for the kingdom of our Father, I am so divided by her leaving. It was a joy to watch her grow so much in Christ. Sarah, te amo mucho mi amiga and even though I am sad to see you go I am thankful I had so much time with you. I will miss you girl. Raise the roof wherever you go. And my playful, lovely Anca. I had no idea she would grown on me like she did. But man did she. I see a bright future ahead of her, I see children, maybe an orphanage, she has so much love to give and it escapes through her smiles and touch and (contagious) laughter. Anca, I miss you already and you haven’t even left yet. Vaya con Dios mi hermana and I’ll be sure to keep that (curly headed) H&H guy lifted in prayer for you! Love you lady. And last, but certainly not least, David. I am so thrilled I got the opportunity to get to know David ‘Chamoy’. David makes the best breakfast on this side of the border, and soon to be on the other side. If any of you all ever get the opportunity to share a meal and convo with David, don’t turn it down. He’s a guy worth getting to know. Your kids will adore him and he can play a tough game of Blokus. David you rock and I’ll miss you man.
So, all that to say, I am sad they have to leave, but more so excited to see what the Lord has in store for my brother and sisters. I am beyond blessed to have gotten the opportunity to know them and their hearts and I can’t wait to see how Christ works in and through them to further the gospel. You will all be in my prayers often. Looking forward, I am ecstatic to be part of what the Lord wants to do here this coming term, with new faces and cultures and stories. And I can’t thank Jesus enough for putting Shae and Ryan’s family next door to us, and Luis who will be staying on and likely teaching. I am blessed. My heart is full and even though pieces of it are going to be scattered about as my friends depart I am thankful, I am content, and I have joy because I am HIS. Gracias a Dios for being who You are.
Colossians 3:16-17 Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom, teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord. And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him.
-this was written May 19, 2011
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