a little like gypsies.

   I always knew time passed suddenly, I just never realized that it actually picks up speed as we get older. The expression "in the blink of an eye" now holds a completely new meaning for me. I opened my eyes one morning and I was 32, I blinked again and my baby girl walked into her first year of school, I woke up one morning to the start of our 3rd year of a missionary lifestyle. If you don't know what kind of lifestyle that is you can start by reading the blog posted below this one, when we were first called to "Go" and how that all came together. It feels a little like being gypsies, but with a different approach. To go because we are called to, not just because we want to. It's a calling to go out and reach the unreachable, to love the misunderstood, to show the heart of Christ, to be His hands and His feet.

   I remember my first trip to Mexico, my heart was broken a million ways over. I couldn't understand why we had so much more than we needed, when these people, with hearts of gold, had nothing. Or so I thought. Until I came to live near them, sat in their homes and shared meals with them, played with their children and fell in love with them, knew their names and needs and prayed with them. I came to realize, as I God rearranged my thought process, that in nothing we can posses everything when we have Christ. And therefore we are richer than the one who owns valleys and mansions.

...as poor, yet making many rich; as having nothing, and yet possessing all things. 2 corinthians 6:10

Dandelion seeds

I wrote this over two years ago when we first found out we were moving to Mexico. It was just about 2 years to the day when we found out we were being called back to Oregon and some of these same feelings surfaced. Change, uncertainty, fear of the unknown. But also excitement of a new challenge. I was encouraged by what I had written over two years ago and wanted to share it again with the hope of encouraging you. May the good Lord bless you and may your spirit rest in knowing that God is in full control no matter where you might land.

       (July 2010) This past year has brought about many changes in our family; from inconsistency in our finances to a growing desire to jump head first into ministry. Last Christmas we decided to spend two weeks at Rancho Tres Cruces;
partly because it was a year that neither of our families had anything big going on, partly because we wanted to see what it would be like to be away from the the hustle and bustle that the holidays bring, but mostly because we felt like the Lord wanted us to go.
We had a wonderful trip and bonded immensely as a family. In fact, Nate and I came back with the same sense of change in our hearts although neither of us shared with the other those feelings until we returned home.
When we discovered that we were on the same page we both realized that it wasn't just emotionally driven but rather that the Lord had been speaking directly to our hearts. That mysterious discovery brought with it many questions. Questions that were left unanswered for some time. It became discouraging and almost frustrating because we both knew that we were to prepare for something, yet we didn't know what we were supposed to be preparing for. We thought maybe we were supposed to have another child (even though we had already decided that our quiver was full enough), so we reopened the door for God to work in, and possibly rearrange our lives. We prayed and prayed and opened more doors to different types of change, hoping that we would soon receive an answer.But still, nothing.
One night I was praying and asking God, again, what this change was that we were being prepared for. Then He gave me a verse, Philippians 4:6 "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." I was instantly filled with peace and at that moment I knew why we were still in the waiting period. We were learning how to be patient and wait on Him and His perfect timing.

For those of you who don't know our story I will take you back a few years.

Nate had just come back from the mission field when we met; I knew that he was created for missions and I was excited to join him in that calling. Our first couple years of marriage were written like a beautiful novel. We lived 1 Corinthians 13 like it had been scripted for us. Our family bloomed and we talked of living in Mexico and raising our children as missionaries. But into the third year things changed. We got busy, grew apart and our lives were equally focused on our own selves. Life was just being lived at that point and the talk of ministry faded. By year four we had a vast awakening. God put His sovereign foot right down into our selfish desires and told us to make a decision, a decision to follow hard after Him or go live in darkness alone. We obviously chose door number one. Nate was working for Edge Wireless as an area manager. We had no worries financially and were in a position to live as comfortably as we cared to. When the business sold out to AT&T our lives changed drastically. So Nate went to work for a small start-up business that developed aircraft. It was a dream for him to be part of a start-up business that had the potential to become colossal.
Sadly, after a year and a half of emotionally draining stress and multiple setbacks, the business buckled. Prayerfully, Nate sought after many jobs. Months passed quickly and we grew anxious, especially since the unemployment benefits were as minimal as they could possibly be. Our savings were dwindling and it was completely out of our hands. We were grim but also knew that the Lord was doing something in our lives. It was a difficult time but through it we learned how to simplify. Then three months ago, Nate was hired on as a salesman at Verizon wireless. But things didn't really go "back to normal" as we knew normal to be. Nate was feeling somewhat restless, and he certainly wasn't being worked up to his potential. It felt temporary, although we were deeply thankful. Yet we were still unsure of what would come next, or when.
  A few weeks ago John Rideout had a meeting with Nate in which he asked him if he was ready to assume the responsibilities as missions overseer. We were very excited, especially since we had been spending a lot of time in Mexico and had future plans to spend even more time. Nate spent the first week as missions overseer at Rancho Tres Cruces with Pastor Travis Hunt and Pastor Phil working out kinks in the vision of the up-coming Master's bible school. It was emotional and heavy but they felt the Lords hand upon every decision, and God moved though the ranch and brought about a new season. It is a season of unknowns, of mystery. A season of change; physically, as we pack up and move with just a few essentials, emotionally as we travel a thousand miles from our family and friends, spiritually, as we know we are heading into the unseen battlefield.
  It is extraordinary and exhilarating, yet strange and overwhelming. I feel like we are dandelion seeds floating in the breeze, knowing only the wind of His Spirit. But also knowing that He will carry us to the exact spot we need to be.

Proverbs 16:9
A man's heart devises his way: but the LORD directs his steps.

beneath it all.

Just a silly girl who puts cream and sugar in her mug before the coffee, because it tastes better that way. Who never turns the clothes right-side-in before folding them, if she folds them at all. A messy girl who allows spiders to live in the corners and dust on the shelves, yet won't sleep if there are dishes needing washed. Just a simple girl who loves most to sit in natures perfected silence watching the clouds part, always imagining what heaven must feel like on the inside, pondering the depths of this life, wishing for deeper meaning, smiling at the center of it all. A sometimes quiet, yet always laughing, girl who longs for the day when nothing but laughter exists. Just a little girl wearing the shell of a woman who finally understands that life isn't as easy now as it was back then. Back when she could run free as the wind. Always dreaming of the day she would become someone wiser, more lovely, the day she would find the meaning of life. The little girl under it all, beneath the weight of everything trying to hold her down, taking in deep breaths of mercy because He allows it. Because despite her feeble knees and weak hands still He loves her. Still she doesn't understand, but forever He loves her.

the freedom in falling.

He says you won't be tempted beyond what you can bear. He says that He will always provide a way out. He says that the burdens you face, the hardships which challenge you are as much the same as what your neighbor is facing. I don't know about you but for me it's a tough concept to grasp. When I struggle, the times that I fall, it feels to me as though I am alone in this world. The pain is too heavy, the shame feels too deep, and the thought that no one could ever understand what you are going through keeps you from sharing the details of your struggles. I know from experience, I understand because I am human and I trip and fall often. More than I like to admit I find myself lying on my face, sometimes wondering how in the world I even got there. Knees and elbows skinned and bleeding. Feeling weak and weary, wanting and needing the strength of someone, of something, to pick me up. To take me by the hand and help me to my feet, to dust off the raw earth from my body and hold me, soft whispers in my ear promising that everything will be alright. But there are times when there is no one, no strong hand to pull you to your feet, no warm embrace to show compassion. There are those times when all around you appears deserted and barren, dry and forever alone. Those are the times when you have no other choice but to cry out, in all brokenness, Mi DIOS, help me.

I have no answers as to why we wait, why we rely on people first and when all help falls short then we look up and cry out. I fail in that, I am constantly looking to be comforted by human hands long before I give Jesus the allowance to cover me with His almighty love. I personally lack in the faith department, I fall short almost everyday and forget to confide in my best friend Jesus. I long for that kind of faith, the one that moves mountains. Small as the smallest seed yet holding the power to uproot firmly planted mountains and throw them effortlessly into the sea. Maybe you walk a more faith filled life than I but if not I want to encourage you. I want to let you know that no matter what challenge you are being faced with, what difficulty you are treading through, what hardship you feel no one in this world could possibly understand, God knows and even if you can't tell anyone else your heart at least tell Him. He loves you and wants to hold it all in His hands. Don't carry burdens that will drag you to the grave, look up and let go mis hermanos. Just let go and be free.

Matthew 21: 21-22 “Assuredly, I say to you, if you have faith and do not doubt, you will not only do what was done to the fig tree, but also if you say to this mountain, ‘Be removed and be cast into the sea,’ it will be done.  And whatever things you ask in prayer, believing, you will receive.”

sand dollars and pesos.

The words never escaped, at least not through my lips, but as my finger gently traced the shattered edge of the sand dollar I could hear my heart mutter wishes of wholeness. Though I wasn't disappointed, my little pouch was filling nicely with beautiful little seashells, shells with a purposeful future. So, I tucked the broken piece in my bag and continued down the beach, only now with newly planted hopes of finding a whole one, a pure and unbroken sand dollar. Well, it wasn't long, maybe a minute or so, that my eyes saw it. In all of its undefiled glory, there it sat, almost like it was waiting for me. It may have been the most meaningful find of my life. Not because I'd never found one before, although I hadn't, but because I had desired it, because my heart felt like it needed it. Because I had, only moments before, prayed for it. The Lord spoke to me; He showed me that when by faith we ask, then by faith we receive. He showed me that He is faithful, even in the little things, that if He can place a whole sand dollar in my path, He can do anything. It wasn't that I needed the sand dollar, God knew that, but I desired it, and not even for reasons more than that I just wanted to gaze upon it, to turn it in my hands and admire it.

I walked on, all the while praising Him and thanking Him for His goodness, and then I remembered that I needed to use the bano. There were outhouses close but they were five pesos. I didn't have five pesos. So, I kept walking and thinking that I would have to ask someone to borrow a coin. And then I saw something shining in the sand. Yeah, I know, I thought the same thing, REALLY Lord? You actually just put five pesos in my path knowing that I need it. I was stunned, like seriously shocked, that I was given, first the thing I asked for, and then the thing I needed, at the exact moment I needed it. Not ten minutes after finding the first gift and I was surprised, oh how silly a people we are. Of such little faith. So I just stood there, with my hands out, one holding a sand dollar and the other a coin, my spirit rejoicing. I was overcome with such a feeling of joy, an unexplainable peace from the depths that only God can give. I felt as though my flesh had faded completely and my spirit had finally won the battle. I forgot everything for a brief moment, every complication, every disappointment, every hardship, every battle, and I just basked in His Holy light.

Maybe it sounds simple to you, I mean big deal a sand dollar and five pesos, and really it was just that, simple. But I am beginning to see that it is in the uncomplicated that we can truly see how our Father works. It's in the small things that He proves Himself to be so faithful. He shows us simply so that when the complex happens we are more prepared. He spoke to me, to my spirit, and He can speak and show you too. He showed me that He can, that He will, give us the undefiled desires of our heart, no matter how great. And He spoke clearly to me that not only will He give us what we desire by faith, but He'll always provide what we need. Even if it is only a sand dollar and five pesos.

pine trees and sewage.

Today in the US it was black Friday, the day after Thanksgiving. Which not only means that the masses come filtering out of the wood works to get a hot deal on the newest (and greatest ever) Ipod who knows what edition (subliminally, red is the new black), but it also means that the radio stations start playing Christmas music, on every channel. Well, I was here, in the Baja where there were no special post holiday deals, In fact I came to the conclusion that they have it backwards as I handed over 150 pesos (around 10 bucks) for a 10lb bag of potatoes. Ouch. Oh well, tis life I guess, you need, you wait in line for hours, you mace the people in front of you at wal-mart to get ahead so you can be the one to have the last x-box, and you pay 10 bucks for potatoes cause otherwise there won't be any for dinner.

But back to the Christmas music. I heard it in the car and thought to myself, how can it be? It's sunny, the air is warm, I have sunglasses on! How is it almost time for hot apple cider by the fireplace and wool stockings filled with sugar plum fantasies? And then I smelled it. Home. I was already floating around in a sort of euphoric dream state (although it could have very well been the fact that my blood sugar was dangerously low from a lack of sustenance and my caffeine level was spiked well above what is normally recommended...) But in the midst of euphoria, in the middle of Ensenada as we whizzed past a grocery store, I caught a whiff of Oregon. It was beautiful. For a moment I thought the Lord had come to take us home, for a second I thought the heavens had opened and the angels were singing. But then I came back to and realized it was just the carols on the radio and a teeny tiny area of the parking lot full of pine trees (from Oregon I reckon). As we slowed to a stop light I had a compelling urge to jump from the (still moving) vehicle, do a double tuck and roll (cause if you're gonna jump you gotta do it right) and dart into the mini forest of concrete soil and rootless pines to curl up underneath one, just so I could smell the scent of home a little bit longer.

But I didn't jump, I'm not that unhinged. Although a minute later I thought to myself, "you should have" when the lingering pine in my nostrils turned forcibly into the aroma of raw sewage. At that moment I was back. In Mexico. Home in Mexico. And all I could do was smile. It's oddly exhilarating when you recognize that your heart is in multiple places. What you once found painfully difficult is now effortless, and without limits. When you see that what the Lord does IS good, and nothing He does is to cause harm or pain. We do those things to ourselves when we struggle against His will. But when you let go you'll see. You'll see that you can savor and touch, that you can accept and acknowledge, that you can be free to love completely. That the smell of raw sewage might only be a few steps away from the scent of home that you so long for.

God is good friends. Always and forever and ever and ever, He is good.

I decided to stop posting in tumblr so I moved the scribbles I wanted to keep over here to this new blog, which is actually just a revamp of this one-

http://illustratedbabbles.tumblr.com/